


What's My Status

by MizukiPerry



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: 80's, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ash tries to deal with everything on his own again, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Cute, Drama, HIV/AIDS Crisis, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kissing, M/M, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sharing a Bed, acute OCD, end of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:42:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26328082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MizukiPerry/pseuds/MizukiPerry
Summary: It's the 80's, the AIDS epidemic in the USA is going strong, and Ash hasn't been checked for STI's since he was raped in prison. One night, the condom breaks. Ash tries to deal with it on his own, but he spirals. Can Eiji help him?Depictions of acute OCD, AIDS scares, and HIV/AIDS in the 80's.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 4
Kudos: 105





	What's My Status

**Author's Note:**

> I'm surprised, given what was going on with gay men in the 80's, AIDS wasn't brought up more in Banana Fish. But then again, it wasn't anything to do with the main story.  
> So here it is, how I think Ash would react to a scare. 
> 
> Thoughts in italics and 'speech marks' are Ash's thoughts.  
> Thoughts in italics and with <these marks> are intrusive thoughts.
> 
> edit: I'm an idiot and forgot to thank Heliocat for not only for betaing this fic, and all my other fics because I don't have proper Word software, but also for pulling me out of writer's block time and time again. I can't thank you enough.

"Shit," Ash muttered as he pulled out of Eiji, causing his boyfriend to frown.

"Not what I want to hear when we finish have sex, Ash..."

"No, it's..." Ash looked up and observed Eiji's expression, an odd mixture of concern and blissful happiness from their latest bout of love making. Ash had certainly enjoyed it, and he didn't want to give off the impression to Eiji that he hadn't. He laid back on the bed next to Eiji and held up the thing that had caused him to worry. "The condom split."

Eiji shrugged, relief flooding his face, "Oh, is that all? Is ok Ash, I can't be pregnant!" He laughed and rolled over to hug him. "I know it's sensible to use, but we not got much to worry about."

"No, just all the possible STDs one can catch," Ash scolded him. "We should be ok. Golzine regularly tests his boys. He doesn't want the clients catching anything. Last time I was clean, so we're just being cautious." Eiji stretched out and came back to rest on Ash's chest, giving him small kisses where his head lay. Ash wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close, not too worried after all, and closed his eyes.

******

He woke with a start.

' _Prison... I haven't been tested since those bastards raped me in prison! Shit shit shit fuck shit cock, fucking..._ ' "Fuck!"

He couldn't stop it, the sudden overwhelming feeling of fear. Fear for his own situation and guilt. What if...? Eiji...? He couldn't breathe. He tried and tried, but his breath came in fits and starts and he couldn't get enough oxygen. ' _Dizzy, I can't.. see!'_ He clutched the duvet just to have something to hold on to while he felt his body freefalling, but his hands were too clammy to feel he was holding on to anything - ' _I'm falling'_ \- like water - ' _I'm drowning!'_ He tried and tried but failed to calm the fuck down, his thoughts racing with what this might mean for them. "Eiji- Fuck Eiji- What have I- What if I've- got it? What if- I've infected- you?" His breath became shorter and shorter, before his brain couldn't take it anymore, and he passed out.

******

"Ash?" Eiji's voice filtered through to Ash as he returned to consciousness. He opened one eye, the light that shone through the open blinds doing its best to blind him caused him to shut it again, tightly. He did not feel at all good. It was morning, and they went to sleep pretty early the night before. Why did he feel so awful...?

"I've made you breakfast, Ash. Don't worry - not natto today! I make egg and rice." A gentle nudge. "You still tired after last night huh."

Last night.

The split condom.

AIDS.

He felt the panic rising up again as his eyes shot open. He looked around, finally focusing on the form of his boy. Calm, serene, smiling, the panic retreated. It'd be ok. Eiji will be fine. They'll both be fine. Surely they tested him in prison? They would have told him if he'd caught it, right?

_< But what if they didn't?>_

He gulped, trying to keep that thought down, and smiled sleepily at Eiji, hiding his worry. There was no need to tell Eiji just yet. Tell him when there's something to tell.

_< Like a positive AIDS test.>_

"Shut the fuck up."

"Eh?"

' _Shit._ '

"What is wrong, Ash? You talking to me or yourself?" Eiji asked, that worried expression from last night back on his face, only this time without the post sex dreaminess. Ash shook his head and reached up to stroke his cheek.

"Fuck natto…" He could feign sleepiness, pretend that what he said was just him waking up and not him telling his brain to please be quiet and stop with the panic.

"Ok, you come eat food when you awake." Eiji reached over to give Ash a quick kiss on the cheek, then went back to sorting out their morning meal, leaving Ash to go back to pretending he was still asleep.

*******

The next thing Ash knew he was being rolled out of bed by Eiji yanking the duvet away from him. "Breakfast go cold, get up."

"Nnnnggg... What was that for?"

"I told you - breakfast go cold! Get up! Go eat! Healthy food, healthy body - like Japanese!" He grinned down at Ash, who was gathering himself up off the floor. Ash scowled in return, wondering if he should tell Eiji what was going on just to stop him doing stuff like this.

He didn't realise he'd gone back to sleep. He clearly needed it. With somewhat more energy than earlier in the day, he rose and pulled on a jumper as he breezed past the older man, who was giggling at him, into the living room, spying the breakfast that had been there for… however long, along with the newspaper from this morning. He grabbed his jeans that were flung over the sofa from the night before, pulling them on before he sat down with a frustrated flump.

' _They list sexual health clinics in there right?_ '

He checked the back pages while he picked at his food. He didn't eat much, though he did try to force himself to so Eiji wouldn't notice. But, of course, he did. Because he was Eiji, and Eiji loved him, so he knew when things were wrong.

But he didn't say anything. Maybe he was waiting for him to say something.

_< You've got the AIIIIDS!>_

' _Shut. UP!'_

What was going on with his brain today? That panic must have broken it. Jesus...

Ash could sort of hear Eiji trying to make small talk about their food, but he wasn't engaging, most of what Eiji was saying drowned out by white noise in his head. Eventually, Eiji got the message and quietened down. He looked at him with concern, but still didn't say anything. Ash continued checking through the newspaper, ignoring the headlines about the gay plague, the jokey articles about rounding up and quarantining the gays, the smaller articles announcing how many more gay men and drug users had died that day... but found nothing about sexual health clinics where someone could actually get tested for this.

He sighed. He didn't particularly want to see Dr Meredith after everything that happened, but he also didn't want to have to go to some random clinic. Meredith at least wouldn't ask too many questions. He knew, the less he knew the better for him. Maybe that's how he survived by the skin of his teeth. At least he'd moved offices, so he wouldn't have to face where Griff died...

"I'm going out."

******

"Why are you here!? I told you Ash! I want nothing more to do with your Banana Fish rubbish! I had to watch your brother die in a gunfight that took place in my office! We moved! How did you even find us??"

The new office was not at all hard to track down. He just asked a couple of the prostitutes where he'd moved to; not like they'd go to anyone else for their backstreet abortions.

Ash, having insulted Ms. Brandish on his way in, sat back to front on the chair he hadn't been invited to sit on, legs astride and leaning forward onto the back. He made a point to look bored already, hiding the panic inside. He had at least managed to dampen down that fucking voice while he was out of the apartment, but he was no less scared. Not scared for him, but scared for Eiji...

Ash hung his head forward while giving his best puppy dog eyes to the doctor who was standing in front of him. The doctor with his head steaming, plain for everyone to see that he really thought he had seen the back of this trouble maker. He was just short of stamping around the office like a petulant child, and not a senior medical doctor in his 40s.

"Ms. Brandish warned me she could see you coming. Why didn't I jump out the window...?"

"Come on Doc... I've just got a little thing I need your help with."

"I'M NOT LOOKING AFTER ANYONE OR TESTING ANYMORE DRUGS FOR YOU!"

"Why do you always assume the worst of me Doc?"

The glare from the doctor bore through him, but Ash still acted like he did not need this man's help and was only here because he wanted to give him something to do.  
"Have you met you?"

_< Yeah, you good for nothing piece of shit!>_

' _What the hell?_ ' The voice was back. Why was it back? Ok, maybe time to quit this back and forth and actually get this guy's help.

"Ok Doc, this is the issue…" He started, trying not to let his voice waver, which was proving difficult. "I need a test. Our condom broke."

The doctor huffed and turned away, back to his paperwork. "Oh, you actually got a girl pregnant? You can get pregnancy tests in the chemist, so why are you here?"

"It was a man."

"You can't get men pregnant, Ash."

"No. Doc. I need an AIDS test."

The rustle of paper stopped as the gravity of what Ash was asking dawned on him. "You been sleeping with more men?"

"No, just that one man. He's... dear to me." He sat up and straightened his back, looking directly at the back of Dr Meredith's head, waiting for him to turn around and please not judge him. "But before him I was raped in prison. And I don't know if they did a test."

"I see." He swivelled round to face the young man in his office. Ash wasn't looking bored anymore, but now desperate, scared, hoping against hope that he wouldn't be part of the "gay plague" spreading across the country. "That Japanese kid?" Ash nodded, blushing, and turned away to hide it.

An uneasy calm descended in the office as they got on with the blood tests. "A sharp scratch," as the needle went in, causing Ash to smirk slightly. He'd had so much worse.

< _This is worse you idiot! A slow, painful death, with illnesses so rare they don't even know how to cure you…_ >

' _Will. You. Shut. Up!_ '

One, two, three vials later. The doctor figured they may as well test for everything, and gave Ash a couple of swabs to do himself, with instructions on how to perform them, which he did behind the closed privacy curtain. Ash followed his instructions; the anal swab wasn't too bad, but he would gladly get stabbed several times more to never have to stick a swab down his dick again.

"Golzine's tests never involved this, old man!" He shouted through the privacy screen.

"More fool him! Him and his boys are probably infested with VD. Send them to me, I'll charge them triple and they'll still think they're getting a good deal!"

Last was a throat swab and urine sample. "These tests can take a few weeks to return, Ash. I can call you with the results, or, and I can't believe I'm suggesting this, you can come back in three weeks’ time. In the meantime, take precautions. Don't sleep with anyone. Don't kiss anyone. And for God's sake don't bleed on anyone! Just… stay out of trouble. Stay at home if you can."

Ash nodded, the whole process wearing him out emotionally and physically. He indicated he would return in a few weeks and left the office, waving a goodbye to the back-alley doc, and giving the finger to Ms. Brandish.

As he walked back to his apartment, he could hear a taunting.

< _You're gonna diiieee! You're gonna diiieee!_ >

Ash quickly wrapped his hand around his pistol and cocked it without removing it from his waistband.

The voice disappeared.

' _Thank you!_ '

He released the pistol, daring the voice to return. Thankfully, he couldn't hear it, so continued walking. This was going to be a long three weeks.

******

Ten days felt like ten years, and there were still eleven days left to wait. All he could think about was the virus, and how he'd put Eiji in danger. He immersed himself in news articles, press briefings, even picked up some leaflets from the gay bar while disguised as a student. But they all told him exactly what he expected. You better hope you don't have it, ‘cause you'll die in two years, and no one will care.

< _How's that different to now? No one cares about you._ >

' _I don't care about me, I care about Eiji. At least try and get my insecurities right!_ '

< _Hah, Eiji's just gonna hate you!_ >

Several mini breakdowns and what felt like a hundred panic attacks later, he became hyper-vigilant. Tracking what he touched all day so he could clean it when Eiji wasn't around. Careful not to touch anything that Eiji would, just in case. And trying not to kiss him too much, lying about having a potential cold sore - "I no see any sore, Ash..." - because his lip was itchy. He knew most of this was unnecessary, but the voice in his head wouldn't allow him to think otherwise, and it was the only way to control what was happening. The only thing he needed to avoid was sex, or bodily fluids. The leaflets said that it couldn't be passed on through kissing, but the doctor told him not to. Poor Eiji! He was keeping up a brave front through it all, but Ash knew that he knew something more was going on. He couldn't bring himself to tell him. He loved him too much to scare him.

< _Like Eiji will care when he finds out you're lying to him about something so important. I bet he doesn't really love you anyway. You're just some exotic blonde he wants to have as a conquest!_ >

He couldn't stop that voice anymore, nor could he ignore it each time. He tried counteracting it, reminding himself that Eiji loved him, had promised to stay by him, but being so distant as he had been the last week or so, he wouldn't be surprised if Eiji thought Ash had gone off him.

He shook himself out of that thought and reminded himself of where he was, and what he was doing.

It was late, and Ash was cleaning the bath tub for the fifth time that evening. He hoped to finish before Eiji came back from the shop in their apartment building. His hands were becoming dry and wrinkled from the amount of bleach they'd been exposed to, having ignored the advice to wear gloves, figuring the bleach would clean his hands also.

_< You missed a spot!>_

He froze. Eiji had been gone a while already, so he'd be due home any second. Ash had already started cleaning when Eiji had left. He would definitely question why he was still cleaning it an hour later.

' _What do I do?_ '

He broke out in to a cold sweat, vigorously scouring away anything possibly remaining on there. ' _Shit! What if the sweat falls into the bath?_ ' He scrubbed and scrubbed. "I need to get it clean, can't infect him, can't expose him!"

He didn't notice Eiji poke his head around the corner.

"Expose who? Ash? Are you ok?"

Ash stopped. He'd been caught.

< _He's gonna think you're soooo weird…_ >

"Ah, bath tub very clean, thank you Ash. I make dinner. You can tell me what you expose me too while we eat."

Eiji left, and Ash looked on over his shoulder, seeing his boyfriend's cute ass leave the room. He missed that ass... He would miss it even more if that test came back positive... ' _He'd be better off going back to Japan_ ,' he thought with a start. He didn't want this. There was no way he wanted Eiji to go. But what if he ruined his life? He wasn't exactly doing that great a job of enriching his life thus far. Maybe the voice was right. Eiji would hate him.

He looked down at his hands, seeing them properly for the first time since he started his overly anxious cleaning regime. They weren't just dry and wrinkled; the skin was broken, they were bruised, purple and scaly. He clenched his fist and the skin around his knuckles split. They hurt. They actually, properly hurt. "How did they get so bad so quickly?"

"Ash!"

That was not a normal, annoyed, you're late for dinner shout. It was unsettled, full of worry.

' _The leaflets!_ '

Shit! He hadn't hidden them very well, just shoved them under the sofa. He was so careful about everything else - how could he be so stupid? He dropped everything and rushed to the living room. Eiji was sitting on the sofa, holding an AIDS leaflet, while in front of him were several newspapers open on the pages with articles about the latest victim figures (lots) and what the government was doing about it (nothing).

"Ash, what is all this? Why were you hiding them?"

There was an element of hope in his voice, hope that this was some altruistic thing he was doing for AIDS victims, and not that he was worried for himself.

< _Go on, tell him! Let the inevitable happen. You deserve it, you dick!_ >

' _No, I don't deserve him. He deserves better, but I can't live without him!_ '

His breath hitched as he tried to talk, but the panic started again and he couldn't catch his breath properly. "The condom - I thought - I was clear – but – jail -" He tried to talk through his desperate gasps for air, but he couldn't get the words out. Dizzy, so dizzy… He fell to his knees. Quick as he could, Eiji was next to him with a paper bag, holding the end over Ash's mouth.

"Ash - breathe! Deep breath, Ash, please!" He tried, he really did, but it wasn't until he felt Eiji holding him and rubbing his back slowly, feeling the love and trust that he had been neglecting for so long, that he started to calm down, breathing in a bit deeper each time, until he no longer felt the room spinning. "You okay, Ash. You safe. Talk to me - what happened?"

Ash looked away. He couldn't look at him while he confessed, ashamed. Ashamed of his past, ashamed of what he did in prison even if it was out of necessity, and ashamed of how he could have put his boyfriend in danger.

He lived a dangerous lifestyle, so to him AIDS was no more dangerous than getting shot. But Eiji, he deserved so much better... He deserved the truth...

"Remember that night when the condom broke?" Eiji nodded. "I remembered later; I haven't been tested since I was in prison. I was raped in jail, Eiji. I could have AIDS and I could have passed it on to you. I'm sorry, Eiji! I'm sorry!" and the flood gates opened. Nearly two weeks of him feeling alone with his thoughts came cascading out into the folds of Eiji's t-shirt, as Eiji held him closer and tighter, kissing him lightly, reassuringly.

' _He's not running away._ '

The voice was silent.

Ash reached around and grasped at Eiji, more tears coming but this time with relief. Eiji wasn't going anywhere, was he? He's still here. He hasn't run away in disgust - he's here. ' _He's holding me._ '

"I will always be by your side, Ash. I wish you had told me before. Talk to me! Have you had test?"

Ash nodded. "About two weeks ago," he said, muffled into his boyfriend's chest. "He told me not to kiss you or have sex with you. I didn't want to worry you, so I didn't tell you."

"Bakaaaaa.... I worry about you anyway!"

"I don't mean worry about me - I didn't want you to be worried for yourself!" Ash pulled away, and saw for the first time that Eiji was also crying. He wiped a tear away, and kissed his eye lid, and with that one touch he felt his stresses ease. He didn't realise how much he'd missed even the smallest physical intimacy, and how much tension that would be causing him.

"Someone has to worry about you, Ash. I like that it's me," he said between sniffs. "You should have told me, Ash! I thought you didn't want me! You didn't touch me… I thought you were going to send me away again." Ash held him tighter. How could he have done this to him? How could he have even thought about sending him away?

"I really am a baka... I don't want you anywhere else! Stay by my side, please?"

"Of course! I go nowhere, Ash. You don't need to worry. If you have AIDS, then we deal. We figure it out. I'm here." He sniffed and rubbed his face against his boyfriend. He lifted his head to face him, and Ash could again see the love and care ever present. How could he think Eiji would just leave... "Ash, I would have gone to test with you, support you!" He playfully pushed him. "And get my own test."

"It takes months for it to show on a test; testing you would be redundant," Ash explained.

"Ah, so I fail at pole vault, then fail at university, and then I fail at AIDS test. I see. My life, full of failure! Oh well!" The unexpected joke caused the two men to choke and cackle.

' _I fucking love this man..._ '

Dinner was forgone that night, and the two men lay where they were, cuddling ‘til they fell asleep. Ash finally finding peace within the arms of his ever-loving boyfriend.

******

"I SAID CALL FIRST!" Dr Meredith was on the warpath. It'd been three weeks since Ash's test, so Ash showed up as expected. But, as usual, the doctor wasn't expecting him, and he was in the middle of a procedure.

"You said no such thing! I don't even have a phone to call you, Doc," Ash reminded him, or else he could have called for his results.

"Maybe we should wait in waiting room, Ash," Eiji said from behind him. The new voice caught the doctor's attention, and he looked around the blonde one, to find the 'Japanese kid' there too.

"I see you brought your boyfriend this time," Meredith sighed. "Listen to him! Wait in the waiting room until you are called! Please."

For once, Ash agreed. He didn't want to see what was going to come out of the unconscious lady, and he was sure Eiji would faint if he did.

The last eleven days went by quickly, helped immensely by getting through it all with Eiji's support. They looked through the leaflets together to work out the facts, putting away the newspapers that reported only the fiction, so they knew exactly what they could be dealing with without the stigma around it. Ash was able to ease off on cleaning, allowing his hands to recover slightly. They were still bruised and cracked, but less severely, and his skin was getting softer. The voice in his head disappeared after his tearful confession, when he realised that Eiji was there for him and not going to run away. He knew Eiji could still change his mind if Ash tested positive and leave but, for now, he hadn't shown any signs of doing so. They had refrained from sex, and kissing was chaste but, now he knew the situation, Eiji felt less neglected, more protected.

They had their arms around each other, much to Ms. Brandish's disapproval. She scowled at them from behind her desk. Ash flipped her the bird once again, asking if she'd let the doctor examine her just so she could get some action.

A buzzer buzzed, and she told him grumpily that Meredith was actually ready for them this time.

"Do you want the good news or the bad news?" the doctor asked them once they'd settled in the room. Ash took his usual place, back to front on the chair, Eiji standing behind him, a hand resting reassuringly on his shoulder.

"Just give it to us in one Doc."

"Fine. The good news is you're negative for AIDS." Ash nearly fell apart, the tension from the last three weeks leaving him completely and causing him to tear up. Eiji fell forwards onto Ash and squeezed him tight, holding him close and they both laughed, relieved there was no death sentence over their heads. They kissed deeply for the first time since that night the condom let them down. "Stop that and listen up, Ash!" They did not stop. "You also tested negative for syphilis and chlamydia. However, you're riddled with gonorrhoea. Throat, penis, anus. Did you have no symptoms?"

The two stopped kissing and looked towards the doctor. "Huh?"

"Gonorrhoea, Ash! Did you not have any symptoms of illness since prison? Eiji, any odd illness for you?" Ash blushed, drooped in Eiji's arms out of embarrassment, and the two of them shook their heads. The doctor grunted and shrugged in response. "It's not unusual for it to be asymptomatic for some time, but it is unusual for it to be if you've got it everywhere. You're lucky we caught it."

"Go-no-re-a?" Eiji sounded out, not having heard of any of these before, but relieved Ash didn't have the big one he was worried about. "What is this?"

"It's ‘The Clap’." Ash groaned, annoyed with himself for not getting checked long before and carrying this two-bit hooker disease... At least this was treatable, unlike what it could have been. Eiji still had no idea what this was, but it didn't sound good.

"I'm going to prescribe you both antibiotics. They're going to make you feel like shit for a couple of weeks, but they'll do the job. And in the interests of keeping you away from my office forever, I'm providing the tests and this medication free of charge." He pushed the medication into Ash's hands, and started pushing Eiji towards the door in the hopes that Ash would follow. "Go away, be well, use condoms, get checked regularly, don't sleep with anyone else but each other… Now please, fuck off out of here, and don't come back, unless you get any weird symptoms after you've finished this treatment! And even then, please go see someone else!"

"It really came back negative?" Ash asked a final time just to be sure.

"It did. Happy?'

"Ecstatic!"

"Good. Please leave!"

"You got it old man!" And Ash left, following Eiji out, back to their home.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Important note:  
> Just because we've got excellent treatments now doesn't mean that HIV/AIDS has gone away. Get checked regularly. Know your status. Remember those we've lost.


End file.
